Est. 1914 // Australian Suburban Defence Command
Colonel Clusterfuck von Hedgerow stands ready to devise a comprehensive WWI-style defense strategy for your beloved territory. Simply identify your suburb, and receive a tactical masterpiece of absurd military precision.
WEEKEND SPECIAL: Perimeter Security
Colorbond Fencing • Security Cameras • Motion Sensors • Guard Dogs (Aisle 7)
$299
Incl. free sausage sizzle
*Guard dogs sold separately. Not responsible for neighbour disputes or HOA violations.
Comprehensive WWI-style defense strategies for your suburb, complete with trench positions and supply lines.
Watch two rival suburbs clash in simulated warfare. Toorak vs Swan View? Gladioli vs Bogans? Place your bets.
Real Australian weather affects battles! Melburnians thrive in rain, Queenslanders melt below 25°C. Check the forecast before you fight.
Rapid-fire threat assessments that brutally roast any suburb. No survivors. No mercy. Just laughs.
Know something hilarious about your suburb? Submit local stereotypes for the Colonel's consideration.
Interactive maps showing defensive positions, supply lines from local cafes, and danger zones.
Identify which local demographics make the best troops. The yoga mums? The tradies? The hipsters?
Study legendary historical battles like Collingwood vs Carlton. Learn from the greatest suburban conflicts.
Every suburb deserves a war song. From operatic hymns to punk rock battle cries. Sing for victory!
Secret suburbs and hidden battles await those who know the codes. Summer Bay? Springfield? Keep searching...
Enter your Australian suburb name. Our intelligence database contains comprehensive data on suburban demographics, landmarks, and known stereotypes.
Review neighbouring suburbs identified as potential hostile territories. Select specific rivals to focus your defensive efforts.
Colonel von Suburb-Defender generates a comprehensive WWI-style defense plan complete with trench positions, supply lines, and propaganda campaigns.
Review an interactive strategic map showing all defensive positions, danger zones, and logistical routes overlaid on your suburb.
“The hipsters of Brunswick shall form the 1st Artisanal Grenadiers, armed with vintage typewriters and cold-brew Molotov cocktails...”
“Intelligence reports the crystal-powered defense grid is operating at full capacity. Mercury retrograde has temporarily suspended all operations...”
“The Bronze Anzacs shall hold the beachfront at all costs. Surfboard cavalry units are on standby for amphibious counter-attacks...”
BUDGET WARFARE: Look Threatening For Less!
Camo Hoodies • Tactical Torches • Anko Binoculars • Garden Stakes
$29
Wow! Such value
*Quality may vary. Not responsible if your Anko tactical vest falls apart mid-siege. No returns on camo.